help required, dont get bored Options

[suma]

hello,
I am suma. I have depression problem after mydelivery. Let me start everything from scratch. I got married in 2001 to Sudhakar who is a software engineer from Bangalore. I am also from Bangalore. I have done my Masters in Commerce. soon after my course i got into a multinational company then my wedding got fixed and i left the job because my inlaws were not for it. I conceived in 2002 May. My husband had to leave to Germany in July for three months so during that time i was shuffling between my house and my mother's house because doctors advised me not to travel by flight. So my husband returned in October and i deleivered in November though the due date was December. I had 16 hours of labor pain and inspite of that i couldnt have a normal delivery so they operated in the last minute and i became a mom of a baby boy. From that day the problem started. The problem was something like this my mother is highly egoistic same with my husband also. They both had clashes right from the day of my marriage. But after my delivery it became too much because they used to meet very often and ended up suffering between them for 4 horrible months of my life. I couldnt discuss my husbands behaviour with my mom to anybody in my inlaws place. Because both my inlaws are very pocessive about him. Meanwhile added to this my kid had developed convulsions when he was 20 days old and he underwent lot of medications and due to gods grace he is fine now but he still has the problem. What had scared me was doctors had not assured me of his mental development. So my husband became more and more pocessive about the child. He used to never allow anybody to take the kid not even my mom or feed him thru bottle as i didnt have sufficient milk to feed him and he used to cross check with my momwvery small thing. She used to get irritated of it and used to cry in front of me like a helpless person. But nobody made an attempt to understand me. The repurcusions of all these are visible from past 2 years that is say from 2004. i am having very terrible time. In order to overcome this problem i consulted a psychatrist and took medications for some time even now i am taking Serlift 50mg tablet once a day i think now the medicine doent have any effect on me. And second step what i took to come out of my problem was i joined a college as lecturer though my inlaws were not for it. At that time it was okwhen compared to earlier stages but u know sometimes people cannot tolerate u being happy. My husband developed blood pressure as we were constructing a new house which is a joint venture of my father in law and my only brother in law. He used to get angry for every small things it reached a stage where he started beating me. On the other side my child had developed asthama along with his existing problem he used to fall sick everyother day and it became a hell for me to manage my job my kid as well as my husband. My inlaws they dont take care of the kid. Meanwhile i became frustrated and i started blackmailing my husband by fainting in front him whenever he got wild . When ever i did that he used to cool down and feel sympathised with me.I know it is wrong but still i didnt know how to control him he is very rigid he doesnt bend unless and until i show him some physical weakness. After that we have come to Germany for one year which i requested with my husband so that we both will get some space for each other but after coming here i have become alone with my kid he doesnt like to go to school but my husband forces me to take him to school i have been going with him from past 15 days he is still not able to adjust to the school and once when we go back to bangalore he will be going to the next class and i have taken up the responsibility of teaching his this years portion at home which i am not doing. NOw my husband has changed completely but my situation has become worst i show my anger or frustration on the kid also which i never used to do earlier. Now he is just 3 and half years old and he tells me not to fight with my husband. this is really shame on me. that is hwy i need some help from ur forum as to how i can overcome my problem. I am eagerley waiting for a reply from u guys.
bye
suma

[Aks1]

welcome suma.....
Welcome to depression-guide.

hope you enjoy your stay with our family.....

make your self at home...hope to chat soon

[MajorGuy]

it's a shame you have to put up with that kind of abuse from your husband. I can feel your anger towards the situation. I don't understand why people would stay with someone who physically attacks their mate. Me being a male I am embarresed to be related to the male gender since i feel it happens more to females then males. Me personally, I would distance myself from that situation. Your child will always be yours even if you choose to go that route. Please help me to understand how a female can still want to be part of a relationship like that? What makes you still be able to be in a threatening situation like that? I could not be in love with a person who would do that to me! So help me to understand your reasons since I'm a male that could NEVER hit my wife(now ex) or even my new fiance???????????

MajorGuy~

[suma]

it's a shame you have to put up with that kind of abuse from your husband. I can feel your anger towards the situation. I don't understand why people would stay with someone who physically attacks their mate. Me being a male I am embarresed to be related to the male gender since i feel it happens more to females then males. Me personally, I would distance myself from that situation. Your child will always be yours even if you choose to go that route. Please help me to understand how a female can still want to be part of a relationship like that? What makes you still be able to be in a threatening situation like that? I could not be in love with a person who would do that to me! So help me to understand your reasons since I'm a male that could NEVER hit my wife(now ex) or even my new fiance???????????

MajorGuy~

hi
You have asked me a question why you have to stay with someone who physically attacks their mate. But let me tell you I am from India and in our country it is not so easy to leave your husband just like it happens in other developed countries. Girls are emotionally bound by the society and it becomes a question of social respect to my parents. So I have to respect their feelings because they have taken so much pain in bringing me up. I hope i have answered your question.
suma

[MajorGuy]

I respect your decision and I'll pray for your safety and well being. I did not want to come across as telling you what to do. I just feel bad for people in your situation. I hope you can work things out enough to get by day by day with your struggle in lifes tribulations. My fiance and I go through almost the same thing I guess but they are all verbal struggles. I was told by my therapist that couples find it easy and take for granted the other persons feelings. So you are not alone in this struggle. Myself I would rather be mean to strangers and friends then the person I love. But again I am not perfect in this. Sometimes I feel my depression so much that I talk before I think. You sound like a very educated and generally concerned person. I hope you find peace and serenity in all your decisions.

Best wishes,

MajorGuy~

[Joost]

Hello Suma,

You are a brave girl. You are facing a difficult situation. I just want to tell you some of the things here:

Separate the issues of your mother and your husband separately. Your husband is not supposed to love and care for your mother as you feel. Your mother also is also not expected to do this. Never mix up the feeling to them. This will hurt both and thus you.

Never fight or have discussions in front of your child. He is 3.5 yrs old and can comprehend such heated discussion. You have a responsibility at your hand. It is not good if the hostility between you and your husband effect the behaviour and growth of your child. Be responsible for him and also make your husband understand this.

You seem to be an intelligent and understanding person. I respect your decision of being with the side of your husband bacause of your family.

All the best for your life and endeavers to it.

Shoot any of your thoughts and feelings here. We are always here to help in whatever way we can.

Joost

[sem]

I have seen many situations where a lady has to suffer due to her husband and child bearing.
but it is also a fact that for every relationship, there are some adjustments which is required. and marriage is an institution where different people come and stay together and live happy life.