Another Newbie Feeling Lost and Alone Options

[travelgirl]

Hi everyone.

I'm new to the board. Let's see...a brief description of me...well, I am the adult daughter of a now-deceased alcoholic father. I was sexually abused by my older brother when we were kids. I've been divorced but re-married for 27 years now. I have a 26 yr old daughter who was born with congenital heart disease which caused her to go through 7 open heart surgeries, many hospitalizations, and ultimately a heart/double-lung transplant 13 years ago. Five years ago she required a kidney transplant and my husband donated his kidney to her. I've lived every day since her birth with the knowledge and fear that we could lose her at any time. Last month I lost the only real father figure I had to malignant melanoma after a 3 year battle. I was his primary caregiver so my life has been filled with caring for and taking him to hospitals, doctor visits, etc. We were very close; good friends as well as uncle/niece. He was my father's younger brother but totally opposite of him. All during my childhood he was my "hero". He knew of the physical abuse I suffered through at the hands of my dad so he would take me along with his own kids everywhere on the weekends. As he was "only" my uncle most people don't seem to understand just how serious his loss has been to me. I am his only heir and am now going through all the legal stuff of settling his estate, which has been heart-wrenching. I should also mention that I have fought a battle with my weight all my adult life. I am now heavier than I've ever been and just the thought of how much weight I need to lose paralyzes me. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed. I would love to curl into the fetal position with the blankets over me shutting out the world. My youngest daughter will be getting married next year and all I can think of is who will be there who's fatter than I am? I am feeling as if my life is spinning out of control and I'm sitting back helpless to stop it. I don't know how I got to this point. I'm well-educated, well-read, and loved by my friends and family but I feel like I'm just pathetic. I should be happy, or at least that's what everyone tells me, but I'm not. It's all I can do to get through each day. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I used to be a clean-freak with a spotless house but now I do just the minimum once a week so no one will know how out of it I really feel. I've been stifling my feelings for so long that I don't know how to even begin to express what I'm actually feeling. I've changed physicians because my last one doesn't believe in anti-depressants but I'm pretty sure that I should try them. Now I'm scheduled with the new doctor but I'm already dreading the appt and may end up cancelling it at the last minute. Does anyone have any suggestions for me beyond the obvious: cheer up, lose weight, talk to someone? Thank you in advance.

[General_Joy]

Hi travelgirl, welcome to the boards. It sounds like you've experienced a lot of heartache, so you have every right to be upset, especially about your uncle's passing. I hope nobody really believes that you shouldn't be upset because he's "only" your uncle, when in fact, he was a father figure to you. That grieving process will take a little time, but mourning is only natural. I hope that if you decide to take anti-depressants, that you think it through completely and do some research of your own, because doctors can't always be trusted to give all the facts concerning side effects, etc. Talk therapy really might help... sometimes we all just want to be listened to, and life can be so hectic that our family members and friends aren't always there to listen. As for your weight concerns, the people close to you will always love you and care about you no matter what you look like, so you should learn to do the same for yourself. (It sounds cheesy, but it's true). The only way you'll be satisfied with yourself is if you learn to be. Medication is not a quick fix for changing your self-esteem and self-perception. OK, I'll get off my soap box for now... Good luck with everything.

[bonniegeen]

Hi Travelgirl...you have been through so much. It must be overwhelming to you. Its no wonder you've hibernated and withdrew. I understand that, I think its a natural defense mechanism to overwhelming pressure of issues we may not have dealt with.

First, I am also 'morbidly obese' as my doctor calls it....BMI of 40+....feeling the aches and pains....but without mental wellness it is inconceivable to tackle a weight issue so dramatic. I've decided that this is close to the last of my worries, I take walks now, when I feel like it, to find peace, not to lose weight....I eat what I want in moderation, because focusing on the weight issue can give you a real sense of despair and low self esteem. What is, is and you will deal with it when you're mentally ready to. Focus on your own overall wellness first.

I believe also that talk therapy is the way to go. There must be so many suppressed feelings of fear, abandonment, and loss. You've had to be strong and the caregiver for SO many years, you've neglected feeling everything. I can't imagine how terrified you must have been to have a child with so many medical issues. But through it all you felt you had to be strong for her. And to have an alcoholic father who was abusive, and to have been molested by a trusted family member....to have lived through that and survived to raise a family of your own is very commendable. Now your only real father has passed, and I know from experience that takes us right back to being a little girl again, so vulnerable and scared. Please, talk to someone soon about your pain. Give it away to a counselor or therapist, sometimes the venting of the poisonous feelings is half the battle to feeling whole again. Maybe even some more intensive outpatient therapies. Check out your local hospitals for any treatment options they have. They may be called stress centers or coping centers. They really work wonders.

I think sometimes that anti-depressants can get the brain chemicals kicked in again and help us to think a little more clearly and allow us to accept the help that is available through talk therapies. Yes, there are some side effects, but none that are too awful. And after some talk therapy you may decide that you need a little help in digging out of this hole. Also, as women, as our bodies change, so do hormones that affect chemicals in our brains. This could be a combination of life events, and natural changes in your body... research all areas. There are many great resources on the internet.

As far as how you will look at your daughter's wedding. You will be beautiful and amazing no matter what your physique...you will be the mother of the bride that has been so strong for your babies and seen them through so much, they love and admire you for that....no one will see the weight, they will see that inner beauty and strength that shines through above all else!!!
Take care and good luck. Be sure to check back in often, we are here for support and a caring, listening ear.
Bonnie

[depressed_wife]

Hi travelgirl welcome to the DG family Your life has had a lot of downs in it but you appear to be a very strong woman, you came to the perfect place to any answers to your questions as all members help each other.

[hadenough]

Hi TravelGirl,

A lifetime of stresses often brings on a lifetime of reasons for depression. I feel for you. You are not alone.

I feel for all of us. You've come to the right place. I would say most of us went through aweful childhood experiences that deeply scarred us, and our behavior patterns.

I heard in a class today that the brain can be compared to rain on a hill. At first, the rain comes in light drops and moistens the ground. Then another drop falling in the same place will slowly increase the size of the first drop. Then another... slowly... eventually... the drops will spill over, and start down the hill. At first, the water will make it's own path. As the rain continues, the water falling on the same spot will bore into the same path until the ground wears away and a small gorge is created. Years of rain will cause many trickles of water to use the same gorge as it becomes deeper, wider.

This is the same as our brain.

Our experiences in childhood, and our initial responses (whether appropriate or not) have hardwired our brain's behavior patterns (pre-defined responses) toward certain stimuli. And the more we use the same response to a stimuli, the more we are hard-wiring our next response to be the same. WOW! That is why depression, like addiction, is a disease. We physically cannot change it without breaking out of these hard wired behavior patterns toward certain stimuli, and by no means is it easy!.

Then the other part is comfort. Because I used to draw the wrong attentions from men, I now emotionally feel more safe, more comfortable at a weight that does not draw attention. I also stay in a miserable relationship, a miserable job... etc. Why? Maybe because I feel most comfortable, most 'normal', when I am depressed?

So how do we change the cycle? Overall we need to replace the negative pre-defined responses with positive responses as many times as necessary to fully engrain them in our consciousness until such time that they are second nature to us. The gorge will never go away. We will just choose to not use it when that stimuli comes along again.

Ok... so it may be psycho mumbo jumbo... but it really makes sense to me. How about you?

[Joost]

Hello Travelgirl,

I welcome you here to the depression guide forum. This is a nice place to be in for all the questions and related concerns you have on your illness. It is also the place where you can share freely all your thoughts and your experiences.

Feel free to ask the questions or help someone else in thier questions. We are here to help each other out from this.