Jumped ahead

Hi All,

When I found this forum a couple weeks ago I skipped this part and jumped right into pouring my soul out. So I thought I would introduce myself.

So far I have really found all of you helpful. Everyday is tough for me right now. I struggle to sleep, then struggle to wake up. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm not the person I used to be. And the feelings and emotions I have that I haven't been able to talk about, well I can put them all here.

I'm that person who always has the smile. I put a smile on everyone else's face. The pillar that my friends lean on. At work I'm the one people come to for answers and solutions. It's been so hard to fake being this person lately, especially when I am so afraid and scared to tell anybody what's happening. And the few people I have told don't know how to react or what to say, so they don't.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this place. It's what I needed when I stubbled in the door. And it's a place I can be comfortable.

Welcome to all who are new and know you are not alone.

Another bad weekend, week, whatever

So my husband hadn't slept at home from last monday until last night. I don't know what he does, where he goes, or who he's with. Some people know what's happening, but I don't tell most. This weekend he was in a wedding. The wedding of someone I used to be very, very close to. A guy named W. W used to live with us and I thought knew what was happening. Anyway, I was either not invited to go or my husband didn't want me there. The fact of the matter is I was not at the wedding or reception. But my husband needed somebody to take his truck from the wedding to the reception. He asked me to do it so I did. But when I was taking the truck to where the reception was it dawned on me that I was doing this for somebody who didn't even want to be seen with me. I cried so hard. Then he didn't come home. THis isn't surprising because he rarely comes home anymore.
Sunday I tried calling him several times. By 9:00pm I had not heard from him and went to bed. At 11:00 he came home and went to sleep. We said 20 words to each other.
We haven't slept in the same bed in over a year. He sleeps on the couch. Won't come to bed. Doesn't want to sleep with me he says. He has told me that I am too fat to be seen with in public. That hurts. And makes me want to eat.
The last time we had sex, when he was done he got up and said "thanks". I felt like a whore. I rolled over into a ball and cried.
I cried most of the night last night. It's just tough.

Need to vent

Hi All, I'm new. I'm feeling desperate right now and have been for the past, well I don't know how long but it's getting worse. So I need to get all of this out or I'm going to explode. First, I 29 and have been married for almost 9 years. My relationship with my husband has always been "hard" to say the least. There have been abusive tendencies on both sides of the marriage. Over the past few years he's really pulled away from me, along with a lot of the people in his life. We've had some financial issues over the past few years which hasn't helped thingss either. Anyway, I am feeling so alone. Some of it because he is spending less and less time with me and is less and less concerned with me. He's not interested in what I have to say, or if he is he ends up yelling at me when I try to tell him how I am feeling.
So my best friend is pregnant. She is concerned with herself, understandably. I'm trying to be a friend to her but am finding it harder and harder. When I try to tell her what I am going through she doesn't understand so she changes the subject. Mostly to herself. She's a year older than I am, has a beautiful 4 year old daughter and another daughter on the way. Her husband is a truck dirver and is gone 5 days a week. She's basically a single mom. I feel like I have been there for her through everything but I don't know how much longer I can stand it. I am blowing up inside while she wants to talk about baby colors. And yes I am absolutely jealous. I don't know if I want kids or not, but with my husband now that's definately not an option. Hell that would require sex and considering we don't sleep in the same bed sex is pretty much out of the question.
Okay, so I'm just blowing up inside. I have to keep myself from crying all the time. The only person I can talk to is my nephew and he has enough of his own problems, trust me. I cry, all the time. And if I'm not crying I want to be asleep or eating. I have gained a ton of weight over the last few years. A few years ago I joined a gym and lost some, but lost my motivation and quit. Here's something funny, I love to dance and have actually taken classes, again, for the past few years. I'm still gaining weight though. And mow I'm too fat, according to my husband, to even been seen with in public.
Most days I just want to drive off the side of a cliff or something. Somehow dissappear. The longer I am home alone wondering what he is out doing the more I eat. The sadder I get, the more I eat. I have tried all kinds of stuff, like excersizing when I'm sad, but when I'm done I feel like I have justified another handfull of M&Ms.
Today I came to work just to be out of the house and away from him. He was home when I left. I didn't tell him where I was going or what I was doing. As far as my marriage is concened I have given so much of myself away that I'm almost gone. He's not there for me, and I don't want him around any more. I've told him to leave, but he won't. Sometimes when he is gone I hope he doesn't come back but then I feel so bad for feeling that way.
I am so lonely, and sad, and hollow. I am empty from giving everything away to him, to my friends, to everyone else around me. I feel beaten down from being leaned on for so long. I don't understand why I don't have anyone to lean on, to take from, to listen to me. And I just try to keep faking it day to day so that I can survive. The truth is I don't even know if I want to survive any more.
So I am glad that I have had this chance to vent. Thanks for your time.