... being that I don't know anyone here yet, but I feel like I am about to boil out of my skin if I don't get some of this out.

Last week I left the house for the first time in nearly a month and saw my doctor about the state of my head. It was the hardest thing I have ever done (that didn't involve burying a loved one) as I was brought up to believe that one shouldn't talk about one's feelings with other people. Although the sawbones made all the right noises I don't know if he even believes me. I don't know if seeing him was the right thing to do because since walking out of his surgery all I have had is deeper anxiety, more guilt, and a feeling of total and utter desperation - I think it's actually a little worse than before. I feel like this is not going to get any better, ever. I'm scared ... I don't know how this is going to end up for me. I can't see a way out. I have been depressed for a very long time but since losing my job a little while ago I have hit the proverbial bottom. I have suffered from axiety for many years but recently it has been getting worse - I had my first panic attack last year. It doesn't matter what I try to do to stop it, all I can think about is death, pain, more death, failure, and yet more death. I have been having horrible nightmares for months (and haven't slept properly since my teens).
Long story short (ish): when I was little the Infamous They told my parents I was 'gifted'. They had high hopes for me. I won a scholarship to a good private school, where the other little girls made fun of me. Then the scholarship ran out and I had to go to a state school. Where the other little children made fun of me, spat at me, physically attacked me and eventually my parents had to take me out of school altogether. They found a better one, where the other kids continued to make my life hell. When I was about 12 or 13 I started self harming (cutting my arms with broken lightbulb glass). My mother noticed once, shouted at me, and then never raised the subject again. I continued to do it until I was about 17. My dad bullied me when I was a kid; basically he subjected me to about 15 years of mingled disinterest, public humiliation, and emotional abuse. Then he did a disappearing act three years ago - leaving my mother in financial trouble. I have not heard from him since. I have wasted my life. Nothing I have ever attempted has succeeded - really nothing, and I have never been able to please the people I was trying to please. I used to think I was a talented artist (wanted to be a comic-book artist) but now I have no self-belief left. I haven't picked up a pencil in weeks and I can't even bear to look at any of my work. I can't do anything anymore and there is nobody I can talk to - my mother is my only close family and she doesn't believe in mental illness (if I mentioned it to her she would, at best, get angry and tell me to grow up/stop being so self indulgent). I have two close friends who have their own problems to deal with.
I'm seeing the doc again on Monday but I fail to see what he can do to fix the fact that I am a useless failure. I am so scared and confused. I have been crying for about a week now and it's getting really tiring. I'm scared that maybe what I think is depression is really just an excuse to attempt to explain my pathetic behaviour, that I am really a hyperchondriac (my anxiety is now constant and I have convinced myself I am going to die any minute from any terminal illness you'd care to name) and I'm wasting the doc's time & resources. He offered me sleeping pills but I said no as I was afraid to have such things in the house.
Basically, not a good week. Sorry to vent like this but I had to get it out ... sorry for being so selfish.
-Dusty

Hello Dusty,

First of all welcome to the place where there are many like you who want to vent themselves off and feel something better.

We are here to discuss our feelings and emotions, which will make our lives a bit easier with the feel of not being alone. As you have mentioned, you have talked to the doc and explained how you feel to him. This is going to help you, believe me.

If you are afraid of keeping the sleeping pills at your home, you can talk to your doctor about the same, if he can suggest something different which is safe to keep at home. Another option could be you can buy the sleeping pills in very small quantities. This will reduce the risk of consuming lots of pills at one go.
I know I may be sounding a bit harsh and out of mind, but this worked for my case. My doc also suggested me sleeping pills and it helped me in getting good night sleep.

All the very best luck. I hope you recover from your blues fast.

Aks

Thank-you so much for your replies and advice, MDG and Aks. I can't believe it took me so long to reply, I've been walking around like a zombie this last couple of weeks, on auto-pilot I guess. Just getting through each day.
I am at the end of my rope with trying to master insomnia, anxiety and fear etc. Nothing is working so I think it's time to start thinking about pills.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Dusty


Well I said I would let you know what the doc said. I went today (Friday) and I mentioned the sleep problem, that I think the anxiety is making it worse. He prescribed me an SSRI called Citalopram, which I had heard of but didn't know a lot about (until I did a bit of reading). I mentioned sleeping pills again and he said that the best thing in his opinion was to start the antidepressant meds and go and see him in 3 or 4 weeks, then see if the sleeping pattern was affected and decide on any additional medication after that. I read through all the info they put in the box with the pills, and one of the major recognised side effects of this med is - guess what - insomnia!! So it should be loads of fun grappling with that! Still I know he is right, nobody really understands the human brain and it's trial and error with these things. Conversely it also says Citalopram can cause drowsiness. If that's true then maybe it won't be so bad. This is my first experience of medication for anything (other than antibiotics for a chest infection when I was 12!) so it's all very new. My fingers and toes are all crossed!

Dusty

I hope the medication works for you. I was put on prozac once and I couldn't eat or sleep. So, 3 wks. later I went back, she put me on Paxil which allowed me to sleep but I couldn't eat and it wasnt' helping. 3 wks. later I went back and she now put my on Cymbalta. Works wonders. I'm not suicidal anymore and now it's like a roller coaster. I'm happy and talkative and then just like that I'll feel like not doing anthing and just thinking about everything in the past. I'm tired during the day and hard to fall asleep at night. I think it's hard for me to fall asleep because I have weird dreams almost nightmares that wake me up all the time. I think I don't want to fall asleep because I don't want to have dreams about the past. Hope you start feeling better.

Cymbalta worked for you? I've been having so much trouble with irritability and insomnia --neither of which are helpful if you teach. I'm going to ask my doc about Cymbalta. Lamictal and Lexapro have taken care of my anxiety attacks and my depression. Of course, I would have to go and get myself diabetic. So I'm not sure what all this mix of medicine creates. Am I in the wrong place for venting?
Ore