Well just thought I'd pop in and say hi while I have an evening leave from hospital (have to return at 7am tomorrow in time for morning medications). I am happy to be home but at the same time extremely depressed because I can;t guarantee how safe I feel here and that scares me.
I have been hospitalised since Tuesday 10 days ago due to a suicide attempt. I'm not implying suicidal ideation here and nor do I condone my actions which is why I voluntarily sought help for my condition and was re-assessed and discovered I wasn't properly assessed in the first instance. I now have a serious depressive disorder and associated dyscythemia (whatever that is!!??). They refer to it as either melancholia or as psychotic depression- take your pick. Yeah so I hear voices telling me how shit I am and how I don't deserve to live. I thought all depressives had experienced that but apparently I'm wrong.
So now I am taking a concoction of medications aimed at lifting my mood and stablising it (antipsychotic medication), an antidepressant and also sleeping tablets to help me at night to rest.
I must say I was really paranoid about being admitted yet again and I am worried about my reassessment tomorrow with family members being involved in my case management. It can be really upsetting sitting there with doctors and family members talking about you like you're some inanimate object!
Good news though is that while I am having a bad time of things right now I am actually looking forward to things looking up again and don't feel quite as suicidal as I was 9 days ago. I might still be in that hole but instead of lying down in despair I'm standing up and looking for a way out.
I still feel pretty low and really teary and anxious but hopefully with time and this time the right treatment, I may just find the tools I need to cope better with lifein general so when bad things occur I don't fall into a heap all over again.

Sorry to hear about your hospitalization. But in your message, it seemed like you had some hope and that's a great thing. I hope things will look up for you. Take care...

Thingamajig....
Sorry to hear about your recent relapse, but extemely glad you felt it coming on and got help. That is a very important part of management / recovery with mental illness.
About your family and docs and treatment team...at a National Association of Mental Illness meeting I attended recently they suggested holding a meeting with your family when you are feeling stability and discuss the "what ifs" that can come with relapse. For instance, my husband knows NOT to ever take me to a certain hospital because I don't feel comfortable there. He knows what meds I take, and if I do vary or increase dose (basically self-medicate) I let him know in case the worst happens. Believe me, it helps make you feel like you have control of things even when you may not feel like it. You ARE NOT an inanimate object, but I understand how you can feel that way. Best of luck with that.
I also have "heard voices"...not audibly, but self-talk in my head that got so strong I gave it another personality sort of...I called it my little green guy. He was sharp and pointy and short and mean...he would tell me I was worthless,, would never make it, criticize, humiliate...it was awful. I "heard" that from waking to sleeping and it was a very scary point in my life. Eventually I met a therapist that had me do an "empty chair exercise" where I talked back to my little green guy who was in the empty chair across from me. I would voice some of my self-talk (it was horrible) and then dig real deep and counter with positive things. It sounds hokey, believe me, that's what I thought too. In the end I pretty much told the green guy to go to Hell and that he didn't know me and what I am capable of and I sent him packing. I visualized kicking him to the curb and ordering him to be with my evil-stepmother. Now whenever I find myself putting myself down again I think of the green guy tormenting that witch and smile!!
Take care and keep up the good work.

Your little green guy made me laugh because I call it my 'chip on my shoulder' talking to me. I wish he could go and annoy my evil stepmother too but shes already got a green guy annoying her apparently.
I am on weekend leave tonight (the first night of it) and am to be reassessed on Monday afternoon with a view of going home from hospital if I show I can look after myself this weekend. That means for me I actually have to socialise and not shut myself away all weekend which I tended to do whilst in the hospital (they gave me an earful for that this afternoon) and that I need to really test myself in order to see if I can experience any kind of enjoyment. At the moment I just feel a little Bleah and don't feel like really doing very much at all.
The psychatrist I must say nearly fainted when he approved my weekend leave and then learnt that hubby was working in the morning, leaving me to my own devices. He immediately asked me to make alternate plans or he'd cancel my leave so I did make plans to spend the morning with friends. Basically I am not allowed to be left alone for any lengthy periods lest those dark thoughts start creeping back in. I know right now I'm vunerable and I'm taking baby steps to get back into the land of the living. I'm not thinking too far ahead, just small goals for the time being. I am trying to plan day-to-day small things rather than big things far off because of the likelihood of failure. I don't think I could really handle failure right now.
I am enjoying being out (even though it's only been 1.hrs) and hopefully I'll be able to prove even to myself that I can achieve what sometimes seems the impossible or highly improbable. If I can do that than I think ANYONE can to be honest.

Congratulations!! A whole weekend to your own devices. That's great. Good luck with your goals.

It's funny because I'm spending my first weekend totally alone in a long time also. My husband is on duty all weekend and no kids are visiting so I have basically three days to spend however I choose. Unfortunately there isn't the money to go with the time, but there's enough around the house and simple pleasures to keep me occupied.
You know, I tend to praise myself....now that the little green guy is gone. (Glad it gave you a giggle by the way, at least he's good for something) for even the smallest of things. My BIG housework things are laundry and dishes. If I do a load of either I make sure I acknowledge that it is a step forward to sometimes force myself to do those things....and I always feel better afterward. Believe me, it isn't a cure....there are dishes and laundry piled up right now, but I tell myself that being able to relax Sunday afternoon and evening with those things accomplished will be heaven.
I don't have friends, by choice I think, tending to be a loner, so I plan to walk for a little while each day, even if it is around the block....play music and read for an hour a day (that is so healing for me..so why do I avoid it?) And maybe even play my baritone for a bit. I'm going through a bit of a 'midlife crisis' and trying to recapture some of the things I used to do that made me happy. And it does bring you some peace inside. I know you may be in a real dark place right now, but tell that Chip that he cannot have you, you are beautiful, valuable and important to this world and those around you. Beat him down, argue with him and give yourself credit for the things you do well.
Keep me posted in this thread, I'll be back and forth all weekend. Together, we can do this. I'm rooting for you and will be thinking of you. Take care of yourself.
Bonnie

I actually accomplished a huge goal this weekend. I finished constructing a water feature in my back garden that got started well over a couple of months ago.
To see would make you all smile...it has water lillies and pond lighting and a statette in it that trickles water through an urn. I am proud of myself- things are looking up! Tomorrow I'm back to the hospital again for re-assessment and to be honest I secretly feel no different from 12 days ago. Hanging by a single thread but at least am hanging in there!!

Yay!!! 10 points for thingamajig!!

I bet the feature is beautiful, it sure sounds like it. I did something similar in accomplishing a goal the past weekend in cleaning a bedroom that I have meant to for months. It took the help of the family to get me going, but its all done save for a good wash down. I plan to switch bedrooms (someday) and paint now that the kids are only here part-time, I DESERVE THE BIGGEST ROOM!!!

Good luck with your re-assessment.
You know, I've been reading a lot on dreams and how it can be your subconcious giving you little nudges and whether its complete hooey or not, I'm finding a pattern after logging for a couple of weeks that is interesting and my therapist says, possibly useful in finding my way forward out of the trenches. I'll start a new post I think with some highlights.

Enjoy your water lillies and fountain with a big cup of coffee, tea or lemonade and a good book and be proud and pleased in the moment.
All the best
Bonnie

Congratulations from me for your hard work in getting better. You deserve only the best my friend.
My Avanza "Remeron" is YUK. Half the day has nearly gone before I wake up. Never ever had an A/D that had so much sedation in it.
Stops the Anxiety though....Yeah.....because it makes you sleep half the day
Love the story of the little green man. Made me laugh so much. Thank You....I needed a good laugh.
My prayers and thoughts are with you. Get better soon my good friend.
Hugs, Valerie xox