Well just thought I'd pop in and say hi while I have an evening leave from hospital (have to return at 7am tomorrow in time for morning medications). I am happy to be home but at the same time extremely depressed because I can;t guarantee how safe I feel here and that scares me.
I have been hospitalised since Tuesday 10 days ago due to a suicide attempt. I'm not implying suicidal ideation here and nor do I condone my actions which is why I voluntarily sought help for my condition and was re-assessed and discovered I wasn't properly assessed in the first instance. I now have a serious depressive disorder and associated dyscythemia (whatever that is!!??). They refer to it as either melancholia or as psychotic depression- take your pick. Yeah so I hear voices telling me how shit I am and how I don't deserve to live. I thought all depressives had experienced that but apparently I'm wrong.
So now I am taking a concoction of medications aimed at lifting my mood and stablising it (antipsychotic medication), an antidepressant and also sleeping tablets to help me at night to rest.
I must say I was really paranoid about being admitted yet again and I am worried about my reassessment tomorrow with family members being involved in my case management. It can be really upsetting sitting there with doctors and family members talking about you like you're some inanimate object!
Good news though is that while I am having a bad time of things right now I am actually looking forward to things looking up again and don't feel quite as suicidal as I was 9 days ago. I might still be in that hole but instead of lying down in despair I'm standing up and looking for a way out.
I still feel pretty low and really teary and anxious but hopefully with time and this time the right treatment, I may just find the tools I need to cope better with lifein general so when bad things occur I don't fall into a heap all over again.