This has been nagging me through this process for the past month or so. I've been off work for 3 months, really working on personal issues. Reading, music, getting back to the things I used to enjoy. I'm working with a spiritual counselor now....the "real" ones are too expensive for someone with no insurance, and I really feel like he's helping me to explore the Self that I've neglected and almost forgotten with dreams, meditation and awareness of my feelings. But I'm stuck.
I've had this feeling that I am not leading the life I was meant to lead. I feel at a cross-roads with unknown things in front and experiences and burnt bridges behind and I'm in the middle in a box of fear that won't allow me to take steps forward. There are times I feel I know where and what I should be doing. My mother lives 2 hours away and I've always known that I would be her caregiver when that time came. She's only 66, so that isn't pressing yet, but I feel that since I am in this mode of transition already, why not make that move now? I have 3 children, Amanda, 21 who is out on her own creating a life for herself already; Tara, 17 who lives with her Father's family up by my mother; and my son Jake, 14 who lives with his father just miles away from me now. The only child thing that is holding me back is more limited time with Jake because of the long travel it would only be every other weekend. But I do believe he could deal with that well...he's Daddy's boy...all boy, and would adjust well.
And then there's the hubby. Where to begin....I place some blame of my current situation on him. Our marraige of 8 years (today) has been a giant sea of 'groundlessness' and drama. He brought 5 step-children to the mix in two families. My in-laws are hideous hillbillies and NOT NICE people. They hate me and have custody of 4 of his children as well. Their mother ran off when the youngest was a baby and Tim was left to raise the 4 on his own...something I don't think the strongest of fathers could do. Let alone with extreme financial difficulties. So, a year before we met, the kids went with his mother and father and have been there since. Tim has gone from cook/factory rat to a business owner and part-time police officer in the years we've been together. I have gone from a fast paced Quality Engineer to a blubbering, depressed blob. It seems every time I am in crisis or transition....allowing myself to be because I see that he's holding a job and can support the home....he immediately follows with his own. I've broken and dropped out of life 3 times in our marraige, all which I believe came from stress overload and situations that I hated but had no control over and therefore could not have an effect on. One of those times he was working steady in a factory with health insurance, etc. and within a month of my 'dropping my basket' he quit his job and decided to go back to school to become a policeman. The 2nd, my father was dying in Florida, I went to care for him. Tim had a decent job at a factory, union, insurance, and part time on a department.....within two weeks he said he had been injured and could no longer work at the factory....I came home a few weeks later and he had run up chiropractor bills and was filing for workmen's comp....which never came through...(faking?)
This last time, the business was doing fairly well...paying the bills at least...and in July I lost it again. He continued working day to day for about a month, now....he goes out to sell maybe 4 hours in the morning... the bank is calling about the house, he's still a part time officer with 'leads' on full-time positions in towns about an hour away. He's talking that if he gets the job we'll move to this 'really nice trailer park' there, sell the house (which is mine by the way) and move there.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I do love and care for him and am proud of what he's accomplished through our marraige but I can't help thinking its been at my expense. I'm thinking now its time to say, "OK... you go your way, I'll go mine....It's been fun while it lasted, but we are not good for each other." So, how do I know if I'm thinking clearly or just looking to him as the 'root cause' of all my strife and if he's cut out life will be better? I do know that if I move up north I will need to work or go back to school...possibly nursing or recreational therapy, but it all seems doable without wondering when he will drop the other shoe again. Now I feel extreme guilt for our money issues because I am not working, but I seriously just can not keep a schedule or respond to responsibility that a job entails right now without having an anxiety melt down. I have lost so much of my self-confidence in that area because its happened so many times that I will have a bad day, bawling, sleeping, you know....and I'll just call in and quit out of shame. Oh, I'll make excuses for a while, but eventually its the same thing. And I don't trust myself to NOT do that again.
Sorry so long, thanks for listening....maybe some outside looking in advice on making life decisions while on the road to recovery. I am seriously getting stale here and my little green guy is calling sometimes saying "Well, you made your bed, now lie in it...this is your lot in life....you belong in this hell you've created for yourself!"

Bonniequeen,

As you are in recovery maybe now is not the right time to make life changing decisions, you don't say if your partner is supportive towards you whilst you are ill, but it sounds like he may be somewhat irresponsible and not so strong, when you need somebody to lean on for a change who will take care and look after you. Sounds like you do not have the family support you need and you have had to do a lot on your own. I feel you need to learn self preservation as my assumption is that you have an extra child right there, stress overload happens so easily and we are burnt out before we know it, so it takes a conscious effort to avoid it. Take time out, exercise etc. do things for yourself that you enjoy. This takes time to get over and to recover, did it happen before this partnership or where you ok? Also if you are on medication that can take time to kick in, I would not rush to make a decision just yet!

Jan

Thank you so much for the reply Jan. I loved the slip on my screen name....bonnie'queen'.... very uplifiting!
No, I didn't respond to stresses in this way before this relationship. This is my 4th marriage (sp?)..so, I do have some reference points to compare my reactions and feelings to in similar situations. I had ALWAYS been very strong, self-sufficient, independent, etc. And my life has always been in some sort of transition, either changing, getting used to change, or changing change. But I have never before been depressed. I don't know if its hormonal or because of a head injury I suffered in 1995, but something in my brain, personality and thought process has changed dramatically in the past 10 years. I've fought it, but I now know I have to manage it... and I'm mostly cool with that.
No, Tim is not strong enough. He's not irresponsible in a blatant sort of way....but he has anxiety and depression issues also. I knew this when we married, but his stress was the first stress I really had to handle since 1995....and its been non-stop. Yes, I am burnt out..bad.
We actually talked about it today when he was home for a bit. I brought up how 'groundless' I felt and the seemed domino effect my illness has to his. He admitted that its hard for him to keep up the game when I'm struggling, it brings him to a hopeless, groundless place too. I suggested we had to do something, we can't live like this anymore....HE suggested that if he gets that job an hour away maybe he should move by himself and we could see what happens. He brought up that, "if you love something, set it free" which makes sense here. We'll talk more later, but I could almost see his posture 'lighten', ya know? He isn't the type to have anyone else, or anything, though I wouldn't blame him at this point. He seemed excited when I mentioned that with all the kids getting older, maybe it was time for him to explore HIMSELF and not have to struggle to just pay the bills all the time....to move on and see what he can do on his own.
It was a really good conversation. Yes, I am taking my meds, and they are helping. I was in a place of "Eyore" I call it....sad, sorrowful, hopeless, faithless, the light at the end IS a train, no way out of my misery. Now at least I see choices and certain paths sound possible, even if I am sceered to take the first step.
So, I guess this thread is almost no longer necessary. Once I get past the unknown to the all parties know, I always feel better, and I do believe he does too.
No undoable decisions until I'm more well, I know. This would be a trial experience for both of us, if it happens.

Sounds like the conversation was useful and it could be a joint decision, depression takes time to build up, it is like a jug with a little water that stones keep being placed inside, then eventually it overflows. It does sound as if you are not good for each other but it must be hard for him too if he also suffers depression. I'm sure whatever you decide you can see how it goes you sound strong enough to cope.

Jan

I am looking wonderful and helping discussion going around between people here. I feel proud to be part of this forum. Keep it up guys. It really helped me a lot and I hope this is doing the same for others. What say guys....

I bow to both bonniegeen and Eagle.

Wow Boonieqeen,

Our situations are similar as you said. Well, I am going to take one day at a time. Closed on an equity loan yesturday so by Monday I should be able to pay off the credit cards and get my financials back in order. I'm also having someone come in and finish the bathroom and put a closet in the den so I can maybe get a few extra bucks for the house when I list it. Hopefully it sells quickly... Then I'll take on the husband issue. I'll pray for you.

Carol Ann

Thanks Carol Ann and Joost and Jan....you all have been so helpful through this entire process.

Joost, you are right....this forum has been a BIG part of my regaining wellness. Part of my issue was that the depression was a weakness and I was a loser because of it. Meeting all of you great people helped me see that I'm not alone with my feelings and there are understanding, compassionate souls out there to reach to in times of crisis. Thank You, Thank you for being there....everyone.

Had a 'bad' day today...just a lot of stresses and unknowns I ran into. First, had a realtor over to give advice, check out the house. During the walk through as I'm explaining hubby's (not so) handy-work, and going over each leak, wall patch, bad paint job, junky basement...I began to cry at how out of my control my life had become before he left. The things I just accepted because I was too weak to fuss about it. Very sad.
He told me what I thought I would hear. It was priced so it would sell quick and I could get payoff and realtor fees and just go. That really broke my heart. This was the house of my dreams...old arts and crafts style, beautiful wood...and now its a liability.
And then I found out that my psych hadn't finished the papers I faxed him early last week to get my insurance claim moving, so I am without income for at least another couple weeks.
So, I spent a while in my 'drain of despair' or tornado of doom as I like to call them......then called my mommy, cried to her a while.....she made it all better.
But!!!! I am feeling more positive now....no, I haven't been drinking.....I just know that it will all be OK in the end. GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.....AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.[color=#993399]
AMEN!!!

AMEN!!

Well...things are going along. I got a bite on the house....hopefully followed with an offer....we'll see. I am really proud of myself that I've done so much with the place since I last posted. I've at least organized the trash he left in the basement and done a lot of deep cleaning with the house that I had ignored for years. Now I want to stay!!!! Dammit, just not possible though. Even with my disability insurance (temporary) I couldn't make the payments consistently, and getting a full-time job that would is really scary right now. I feel a lot better, lighter now that he's gone....and I hear he has a girlfriend so he is going back into his old behaviors. I really hope he takes his time though.

So, I'll be moving back home to Michigan by the end of the month. I'm excited. It will be like a fresh start. I hope all is going well for you Carol Ann...........it's funny. My middle name is Ann......I was given that name for an aunt that I had that died at two from pneumonia....her full name?? Carol Ann..spooky!!
Have a great weekend.
Bonnie