This has been nagging me through this process for the past month or so. I've been off work for 3 months, really working on personal issues. Reading, music, getting back to the things I used to enjoy. I'm working with a spiritual counselor now....the "real" ones are too expensive for someone with no insurance, and I really feel like he's helping me to explore the Self that I've neglected and almost forgotten with dreams, meditation and awareness of my feelings. But I'm stuck.
I've had this feeling that I am not leading the life I was meant to lead. I feel at a cross-roads with unknown things in front and experiences and burnt bridges behind and I'm in the middle in a box of fear that won't allow me to take steps forward. There are times I feel I know where and what I should be doing. My mother lives 2 hours away and I've always known that I would be her caregiver when that time came. She's only 66, so that isn't pressing yet, but I feel that since I am in this mode of transition already, why not make that move now? I have 3 children, Amanda, 21 who is out on her own creating a life for herself already; Tara, 17 who lives with her Father's family up by my mother; and my son Jake, 14 who lives with his father just miles away from me now. The only child thing that is holding me back is more limited time with Jake because of the long travel it would only be every other weekend. But I do believe he could deal with that well...he's Daddy's boy...all boy, and would adjust well.
And then there's the hubby. Where to begin....I place some blame of my current situation on him. Our marraige of 8 years (today) has been a giant sea of 'groundlessness' and drama. He brought 5 step-children to the mix in two families. My in-laws are hideous hillbillies and NOT NICE people. They hate me and have custody of 4 of his children as well. Their mother ran off when the youngest was a baby and Tim was left to raise the 4 on his own...something I don't think the strongest of fathers could do. Let alone with extreme financial difficulties. So, a year before we met, the kids went with his mother and father and have been there since. Tim has gone from cook/factory rat to a business owner and part-time police officer in the years we've been together. I have gone from a fast paced Quality Engineer to a blubbering, depressed blob. It seems every time I am in crisis or transition....allowing myself to be because I see that he's holding a job and can support the home....he immediately follows with his own. I've broken and dropped out of life 3 times in our marraige, all which I believe came from stress overload and situations that I hated but had no control over and therefore could not have an effect on. One of those times he was working steady in a factory with health insurance, etc. and within a month of my 'dropping my basket' he quit his job and decided to go back to school to become a policeman. The 2nd, my father was dying in Florida, I went to care for him. Tim had a decent job at a factory, union, insurance, and part time on a department.....within two weeks he said he had been injured and could no longer work at the factory....I came home a few weeks later and he had run up chiropractor bills and was filing for workmen's comp....which never came through...(faking?)
This last time, the business was doing fairly well...paying the bills at least...and in July I lost it again. He continued working day to day for about a month, now....he goes out to sell maybe 4 hours in the morning... the bank is calling about the house, he's still a part time officer with 'leads' on full-time positions in towns about an hour away. He's talking that if he gets the job we'll move to this 'really nice trailer park' there, sell the house (which is mine by the way) and move there.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I do love and care for him and am proud of what he's accomplished through our marraige but I can't help thinking its been at my expense. I'm thinking now its time to say, "OK... you go your way, I'll go mine....It's been fun while it lasted, but we are not good for each other." So, how do I know if I'm thinking clearly or just looking to him as the 'root cause' of all my strife and if he's cut out life will be better? I do know that if I move up north I will need to work or go back to school...possibly nursing or recreational therapy, but it all seems doable without wondering when he will drop the other shoe again. Now I feel extreme guilt for our money issues because I am not working, but I seriously just can not keep a schedule or respond to responsibility that a job entails right now without having an anxiety melt down. I have lost so much of my self-confidence in that area because its happened so many times that I will have a bad day, bawling, sleeping, you know....and I'll just call in and quit out of shame. Oh, I'll make excuses for a while, but eventually its the same thing. And I don't trust myself to NOT do that again.
Sorry so long, thanks for listening....maybe some outside looking in advice on making life decisions while on the road to recovery. I am seriously getting stale here and my little green guy is calling sometimes saying "Well, you made your bed, now lie in it...this is your lot in life....you belong in this hell you've created for yourself!"