I don't want to tell my family that my doctor put me on a medical leave for having panic attacks on the way to work.
There are so many negative feelings surrounding my job and home that I panic, I freeze, I feel paralyzed. I am expected to be the provider for my family (my husband is way underemployed, basically unemployed and has been for years - yes I know I am co-dependent, enabling his behavior). No matter how much I make, the bills are more than my paycheck seems to be able to handle. We live month to month and often bounce checks nearing the end of the month. But I do my best. Then I hate my job, but I have to do it.
Everyone is depending on me - how can I let them down????
For a long time I've been going to work and really unable to be fully functional, but now I cannot even really bring myself to go to work without this PANIC FEELING. I've been with this company since 1990... I moved up through the ranks into management. This is not normal for me. But there has been some really bad things that have happened there. I've been promised the world, told I was going to be promoted and then touched inappropriately and kissed (yuk!) by management and executives. There is nothing quite like being told that you are respected and admired for your intelligence, your knowledge out of one side of the mouth and then being sexually harrassed like that. It has demotivated me, made me feel that it was all a lie, that I am not intelligent or knowledgeable. That I have nothing to offer but my body. So I gained a ton of weight and now I hate my body but I am not bothered by men anymore. Overall, the culture at this company is very poor right now because they are in the middle of a financial downturn and market shift and are getting rid of a bunch of people. I could be one of them that get a separation package because I am not performing... because of depression. So on one side I have a daughter that is getting ready to go to college and will need financial support, a son coming out of the army who will need a place to stay till he lands on his feet somewhere, a husband who is dependant on me, a huge housepayment, cars, expenses... and on the other hand I have this job that is hanging on by a thread... and absolutely no idea WHAT I WOULD DO TO REPLACE THE MONEY I MAKE AT THIS HORRIBLE JOB. I know it is an unhealthy environment for me but if I quit or was let go I would let everyone down.
So I'm TRAPPED in the middle of this house of cards mess and I really dont know what to do so I am paralyzed.
I need help. I need to talk to someone, but my dad died years ago, my husband is useless to talk to, and my mom just wants to give me money. My sisters, brothers and friends have their own problems, their own lives... I cannot afford to pay to see a counselor regularly... I don't really want anyone to know how bad I am messed up in the head... Where am I going to go during the day since I do not want my husband to know that I am on medical leave? I cannot stay home because he is there!