Hi,

I don't want to tell my family that my doctor put me on a medical leave for having panic attacks on the way to work.

There are so many negative feelings surrounding my job and home that I panic, I freeze, I feel paralyzed. I am expected to be the provider for my family (my husband is way underemployed, basically unemployed and has been for years - yes I know I am co-dependent, enabling his behavior). No matter how much I make, the bills are more than my paycheck seems to be able to handle. We live month to month and often bounce checks nearing the end of the month. But I do my best. Then I hate my job, but I have to do it.

Everyone is depending on me - how can I let them down????

For a long time I've been going to work and really unable to be fully functional, but now I cannot even really bring myself to go to work without this PANIC FEELING. I've been with this company since 1990... I moved up through the ranks into management. This is not normal for me. But there has been some really bad things that have happened there. I've been promised the world, told I was going to be promoted and then touched inappropriately and kissed (yuk!) by management and executives. There is nothing quite like being told that you are respected and admired for your intelligence, your knowledge out of one side of the mouth and then being sexually harrassed like that. It has demotivated me, made me feel that it was all a lie, that I am not intelligent or knowledgeable. That I have nothing to offer but my body. So I gained a ton of weight and now I hate my body but I am not bothered by men anymore. Overall, the culture at this company is very poor right now because they are in the middle of a financial downturn and market shift and are getting rid of a bunch of people. I could be one of them that get a separation package because I am not performing... because of depression. So on one side I have a daughter that is getting ready to go to college and will need financial support, a son coming out of the army who will need a place to stay till he lands on his feet somewhere, a husband who is dependant on me, a huge housepayment, cars, expenses... and on the other hand I have this job that is hanging on by a thread... and absolutely no idea WHAT I WOULD DO TO REPLACE THE MONEY I MAKE AT THIS HORRIBLE JOB. I know it is an unhealthy environment for me but if I quit or was let go I would let everyone down.

So I'm TRAPPED in the middle of this house of cards mess and I really dont know what to do so I am paralyzed.

I need help. I need to talk to someone, but my dad died years ago, my husband is useless to talk to, and my mom just wants to give me money. My sisters, brothers and friends have their own problems, their own lives... I cannot afford to pay to see a counselor regularly... I don't really want anyone to know how bad I am messed up in the head... Where am I going to go during the day since I do not want my husband to know that I am on medical leave? I cannot stay home because he is there!

Here's my two cents for all it it worth...
It sounds like you may be more worried of what people think of you than the reality of the situation(s). I know where you are at. I went bankrupt several years ago, because of depression and the bad decisions I had made. Something that helped me get through that time was when someone said "you can't fight ghosts" In other words, you can't fight against things you can't have control over. You cant fight against how people think about you. You can only fight things you have control over. Don't waste so much time worrying about things and think, really think, about what you have control over.
When I was having so much trouble, I sat down and walked myself through certain situations. The conversation went something like...
"I'm going to lose my job"
"So what?'
"So...I won't have an income"
"Ever? You won't ever be able to find a job?'
"Well, no. I may get another job but everyone will think I'm a loser."
"So what. Are they right?"
"Well, no..."

You get the picture. Find some time to get by yourself and go through this exercise. I promise it will do wonders.

Your husband will understand (as much as he can) If he can't understand, he can deal...

Keep your chin up.

Thank you.

I feel for you. I used to have panic attacks at work and on the way to work, because everything was just way too stressful. In the end I lost my job, but I found another which was less income yes but also less stress plus I enjoy what I do. Now I just have my anxiety over everything else...lol but with time that is lessening also. It just came to a point where I told myself that I was worth feeling calm and secure and dont take this the wrong way but if you cannot speak to your spouse about this what good is he? Marriage is all about teamwork and being there for eachother especially when the chips are down. You have to be honest about what is happening to you or you will not overcome it. Who cares what others think if they felt the things you did they would understand what is happening to you believe me. In the meantime think about telling him what has happend maybe he will step up and take care of you for a change.

Marta

Your life sound a lot like mine! My hubby too is way underpaid and I have been the staple for many years. We moved here from Va in Sept. hoping the cost of living would be much less than up north- I am getting older and was getting sick and the stress of my job was really getting to me in every sense. It is not so much better here. The home owners ins. and the taxes are incredibly high and even food prices are higher. About the only bill I won't have here is personal property tax. Homes are less expensive but that's about it. The income here is a lot less than I am used to, also. So what am I saying? Well, I can't afford to go back, so I will have to "pull up my big girl pants" and press on. I will have to work soon, and it will have to be in the type of industry that is full of stress and competition- but that is where the money is that I have to make to survive. I'm here to cheer you on, and to tell you that you are not alone- I bet there are many of us out there! Hey! It won't be like this forever, tomorrow could bring you a miracle- who know's? Keep your chin up, ok.

Well... It looks like the decision has been made for me. My company has offered me a separation package...

Sorry it took so long to respond I spent the last month heavily sedated and 2 weeks of it in an intensive outpatient program for depression... Maybe leaving this job is a good thing.

Hi,
It's good to know you are ok. Things happen for a reason, and sometimes the outcome is better than we think. I have learned that things in life sometimes are not an bad as we think they are. I hope you find a better job when you are ready. You know someone is always here to care and console you. you aren't alone, kiddo- we are right there with you! I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep in touch.

I can completely understand what you are going through. I was asked by my company to stay home full time due to my depression and anxiety, however, they did offer me long term disability and I am still receiving 50% of my pay. They don't even want me back part-time. I wish sometimes that they had just let me go. I would have been able to get unemployment, and perhaps find a job that was easier for me to handle.

I too am the major breadwinner and that always weighs on me. Right now I am stuck. My house is in foreclosure, my bills are just barely getting paid, bankruptcy is looming, marriage is falling apart. You name it . . .

But I have hope amidst it all. My hope is in the Lord! If I didn't have him I would go crazy. Let me share some lyrics to a song with you:


Hope that encourages you as it does me. I have to remind myself all the time that I am not alone.

Thank you. I am Christian and recognize the thought about some of these lyrics from Ecclesiastes maybe. Anyway, I'm at my job for another month. Everyone knows I'm leaving. This is horrible. I'm having nightmares nearly every night. It takes me sometimes hours sitting in my car to actually get out and go in my work building. Yesterday, I never did manage to get in the building. Yikes. Anyway... I could probably easily go on medical leave for this depression I am dealing with but then they wouldn't be able to give me the buyout. So I am trying to deal with it. It gets harder every day. I know God has plans for me and it doesn't have anything to do with this job.