why was the math book so sad?.....


....beacause he had too many problems






why do golfers wear 2 kinds of pants?......




...... in case they get a hole in one!

Ques: What happens when a shrink and a hooker spend the night together?

Ans: In the morning they both say to each other, "That'll be $120 please."






Q. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but the bulb has to want to change.

What is the difference between girl and photofilm?

Both are developed in darkness.

what did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?



no thanks, im stuffed!




why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before bed?



he wanted to have sweet dreams

A little longer one...



There was a gate keeper at heavens gates letting the new people in and he was taking notes on how people came to die on earth.

The line kept moving and the gate keeper came upon this women,

The gate keeper kindly asked," mam, what happened to have brought you here?,

The woman replied I died from goneria,

The gate keeper said "but mam, you can't die from goneria",

The women said " you can if you give it to big leroy"!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Another one---
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll

Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

why couldnt the skeleton go trick or treating on halloween?


because he had nobody to go with (no body)





knock knock


who's there?

gorilla


gorilla who?


gorilla me a hamburger please!

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

Now the best one:

A woman tells her doctor " I want a hysterectomy."

The doctor asks " Why Mrs. Koslowski, you’re 77 years old?"

She tells him " I don’t want any grandchildren."

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs.

The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

LMAO!!!! These are great!!!

Here's a couple more.....


What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
(in a "midwestern farmer drawl, with bib overalls on and scratching head) "Where's my tractor?"


What did the skeleton say when he went into a bar?
"I'll have a beer.....and a mop"


Happy 4th everyone.

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."
And it was good.

Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.

God said, "Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' - America's team."

Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need assholes."

So he made their fans.

On the first day, Chief Bowels got a letter from the ststes saying his tribe had to move.

On the second day, chief bowels went the states at the address 'he thought' was on the letter.,

Chief states to man in charge,Chief Bowels no move, so the man hands the chief a sollution and says"come see me in tomorrow with better news.

On the third day, the chief returns and says to the man" chief Bowels still No move! The man can only offer his strongess cure yet and says"see me one more time tomorrow and I'm sure you'll change you mind.

On the forth day chief Bowels returns to the office and the man says" so chief, what's the good news? The Chief says" chief bowels will move, T-Pe full of shit!

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

How many country/western singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to take out the old one and four to sing about how much they are going to miss it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?


A Gummy Bear






I love the dancing tissues one. I can't wait to tell it to my grand daughters. Their mom is going to kill me.

How do you put a baby astonaut to sleep...?
Rock-et

how do you stop a skunk from smelling?



cover its nose

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

What did the girl melon say when the boy melon proposed?

We're too young we cantaloupe

Why are graveyards so noisy?
A: Because of all the coffin

What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on a head and I'll hang around

Why is a river rich?
A: Because it has two banks

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite

hey...that's cool.
you made me laugh and perhaps everyone else..