The Room and the Return

Posted by Anthony S. : Mar 14, 2011

Depression, is it easily described? Can one honestly say exactly what depression feels like? I don't think so. There may be symptoms but I know for a fact mine may not be like the person with depression that may be sitting near you, is in the same room as you, or maybe even is you. My depression began to truly show its face in my early teenage years. I had been through some traumatic experiences as a child such as anger outbursts from family members, witnessing animal abuse, and getting beaten alongside my little brother. It hadn't occurred to me as a particularly "Bad" life, I was young and I loved life as much as a young child could. All children have an innocence and a curiosity and mine was no exception. As I grew up that innocence dissipated into nothing. I was forced to grow up faster than usual because of constant moving, anger, and continuous change. Life was moving faster than my bodily development. With the moving, I had begun to miss my Mom. I lived away from her with my Father and had bi-weekly visits for many years, until I had moved to Washington State. Before we lived in Minnesota so a different state was a huge move. The visits became bi-yearly and that upset me a lot. Not long after I decided to revolt. My Father, one with a hothead and quick impulse was continuously frustrated. His job was becoming an issue and he was becoming passive aggressive at work and aggressive at home. We would fight nearly every night. Verbal turned to physical until he left bruises on my chest and I reported him. He gave in and allowed me to move in with my Mom. Within that time I moved back to Minnesota. I was happy, genuinely happy, actually I was ecstatic. In my new surroundings I was accepted and invited to social gatherings which I had never been able to do before under my Dads roof. I loved it. I also asked a girl out, a girl who would turn out to become my first true love. It started out playfully, just hanging out at her house watching movies, but it progressed to a very realistic and serious love. Unfortunately awhile into the relationship the depression was beginning to show itself. I had all I could ask for, a new home, new friends, an amazing girlfriend. Life was great... Or was it? I began to blame myself for my Dads abusive behaviors. I isolated in my room, not coming out for hardly anything. I began arguing with my girlfriend, with my mom, with anyone I could argue with. I also began a downward spiral into self injury and internet addiction. I became a cutter, and I didn't leave my room except for using the bathroom and eating, the rest of the time you would find me online. Life was unraveling, I was pushing my friends away, turning my family away, losing everything I had built and loved before. Everything was falling apart and the only real thing I had left to hold onto was my Girlfriend. Until one night my Mom and I argued about me going to her house. My Mom called her a very inappropriate name, and I was extremely angry. I lost my cool and assaulted my own mother. She called the police and I was arrested. I was sent to a Juvenile Center, an Evaluation Center (For Depression,) and then a Foster Home. I was getting better at the Foster Home but I didn't expect to come home and was opening my eyes to new relationship possibilities. I "fell" for someone and then cut ties with my girlfriend. The someone I "fell" for had a boyfriend so now I was in Foster Care, away from family, friends, and I had broken up with my Girlfriend. 2 months later I was allowed to go home. I started trying to get back together with my ex but she had found someone and I had hurt her a lot. Being I was gone for 2 years and at the end of my stay broke up with her, I don't blame her for being so hurt. Eventually her new boyfriend threatened me and my ex and I discontinued speaking. Soon after I began drug use, as well as drinking, and continuing my self injury as I did before. I had a void, it needed to be filled, and nothing would fill it so I kept trying with all the wrong things. I was sent to a therapeutic school where I didn't listen when they told me "I had the power to change myself" I thought they couldn't possibly know what I went through or how to fix me. Ignoring them I continued in self destruction. I attempted suicide 4 times in two months. Each time with pill overdoses. I was sent to the psychiatric ward every single time. Over 100 pills were ingested on top of my 5 daily medications in that two months. I hit rock bottom and suicide wasn't working. I decided to listen to what they said at the therapeutic school, give them a chance. When I listened, I learned. I found out that some of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) really helps me. I learned that when I'm depressed I can turn to passion to help me out, passion in music. I play guitar or piano and I feel tremendously more relaxed. I then go on to reframe my thoughts when I'm in the relaxed state. How do I reframe? Or what is reframing you ask? I take the depressed thoughts and try to find good or knowledge I can gain from them. Every single time I do this, I become better at it. I become more in tune with myself, and able to help myself when I feel overwhelmed with depression. I also take my daily pill which went from 5 pills to 1. I know now that what I do shapes my future, and I also know that it's the same for every other person out there. No one chooses how we feel or react to something besides us. I went through a lot, but through it all I learned to listen, and to be self sufficient because sometimes the only person around is me. That goes for you as well. Hopefully this was insightful and helpful to anyone who reads it. Feel free to contact me if you need to : ) I have facebook and email.

Posted by Anthony S. : Mar 14, 2011

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