Whys this me against the world

Posted bynatasha maundrill : Apr 11, 2011

it all started right from the beginning of my childhood, only in priumary school and alrady getting bulliued called names, been the clown of the class getting threatend every day, yes i may not of been the skinniest of people or the best looking but i was getting top marks in class and that was good enough for my family to be proud. a o that used to baby sit and play football with me and my cousin after school aged 16 got found dead out 5 minuts away from my house he had been murdered he had been stabbed and beaten to death by a gang of youths on the 22nd of april 2006 it tore my heart upo that boy tyrone clarke taugh me what a football even was he used to think the world of me and my cousin but i was only little i didnt undrstand where he had gone, then another day came the 25th of may 2008 11 years of age and i got sexual abused by my own mothers nethew and his son in his 30's and teens, i was 12 i didt know better i didnt know what to think or what was happenign around me all i knew is ii got taken away from my parents for half a year and had to go to court nearly every month it was the final court sentance and he my own flesh and bood got found innocent because there wast enough evidence even though my friend was there witnessing it. i thought i could get through it becuase i thought nothing of it i was so young but now nearly 15 of age and the memories and terror come flooding back every minute of the day i go through my head all the time asking why me why was that ever my first experience! all becuase of this my mums family want nothing to do with me they say i am dead to them and that they wish my life hell. a month later aaron dean muscroft went missing and got found hanging in his loft from saturday 14th of june until sunday night the 15th of june 2008 he had killed him self because h had just had an arguement with his girlfriend who he longed to marrier yet a week before we all had a party at mine and hewas telling ny mum and dad he would help me and my family through this and that im a realy pretty girl with grades sky high to promise him i wouod never do anything stupid and get my head down at school and always smile and that was the promise i made. this was anothr perosn who i could talk to and trust that had been taken away from me, every christmas and birthdyas i write letters to aarons and tyrone telling them how much i miss them and want them hear. this was only jsut the beginning, high school came i still got bullied i got nam called cyber bullying threated but the thing was i was one of the 'miss populars' i sued to be the on with all the girls with the latest fashions hair extensions make up until i found a boy and settle down at 13, for a yar a yar relationship full of 6month of cheating, been told what to do thrown around and lost all my friends becuase of that one boy, that is whe i first slf harmed march 2010 that is when self harming and suicidal thoughts never went they just longed in the back of my mind that is when they never stopped, been in hopsital 10 times for trying to take me life, i have counselling mentors at school tablets every hekp ther is out there and i still feel like the world is against me 2011 january and february i didnt go to school for them 2 month becuase the bullying had gotten worse i was getting pushed and shoved arouinds schoo into doors, big gangs coming up to me having ago at me threatening me that when i sent of th forms to move school. on the 29th of janbuary 2011 i got a new relationship the only oine ive properly settled down since the one year relationship i had, it was going amazing i got some of my friends back and he help sort things otu for me at school until i i ran away becuase things at home too much i had too many bad memories in my mind to think about in such a small amount of times i usd to sit at home crying rocking on my bed for hours on ends. once i ran away for 4-5 days i cae back home and my mum beat me up the police came and arrested her so i went to my dads brother for the week to clear my mind but nothing went it just stuck like glue, it got to a point nearly three month into my relationship i ended up kissing another bo yon the lips it was a peck which seem snothing to no one but to him it meant everything thsts when we split up when i found out i was pregnant my heart sunk i had no other choice to gt rid of my own child! i couldnt keep it 14 depresson on tablts doesnt even have a stable educaton with no money and a single parent. and the father of my baby think going out and dealing is a way of getting mony to provide even th9ugh he is alreayd on bail. my heads was so messed up i didnt know what to think what to do so i had an abortion which is now the biggest mistake of my life! i wish for my child back so much bu ti know that will never hppen to makes things worse the dad of my child is going out getting pissed and stoned everynight taking no notice of my but iof my bestfriend meeting and texting her saying they have feelings for eachother and how gorgeous each other are as if i wasnt hurt enough is if i was already under the ground so much with emotions but he then goes out and kisses one of my friends the night we broke up, even though i love him with alo my heart iu would never finish him or leav him he si my everything and will always be that even though he has taken me bac and we are trying again i sit every night crying ripping my hair out and crying on my bed, i carnt sleep, im anxcitous, no energy, i carnt eat i feel like my life is already coming to an end :/

Posted natasha maundrill : Apr 11, 2011
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