There are many ways to look at the mother daughter relation. I is different than mother son relation and father son relation. Mothers are protective, sensitive and critical about the way they treat and love their daughters. So why the relation is so fraught as compared to the one between mothers and sons? The real reason is that boys tend to demand and strive for more separation to find their own identities as compared to girls which gives boys and mother’s relations a sense of separation, whereas the girls tend to come closer and becomes more like their mothers as they grow up – increasing the competition and hidden conflicts. Girls strive to develop a sense of self like their mother rather than against their mothers which causes all the difference of being so critical. It can make the communication with mom more and more frustrating since competition creeps in.
Mom’s are not mean when you find them awake all night or believe so that they are awake. The mothers do not pester their daughters unnecessarily. They are expressing their love and concern, but the way is what it is. You need to train yourself to see what is inside as compared to what is coming outside – nit-picking, criticism, and all those things you don’t like.
How to handle Critical and Meddling Moms
There are many examples where a highly critical mom has been driving crazy people till their own old years. Like one of the person in her 70’s said that her mom criticise her for her skinny legs, non-feminine appearance, body hairs, etc. such that it is haunting her till today everyday. Her mom still in her 90’s tell her daughter to become more sexy and appealing by becoming feminine rather that doing the things like she is doing. Quite a pain, if you put yourself in the daughters shoes who has been suffering due to ever critical mom since last 7 decades.
Here are some of the things which you can do to handle the situation:
1. Focus on things you can change rather than on what you can’t change like your mom and her behaviour. You cannot just have any control on your mother and her emotional blabber. Just accept and think you are responsible for your happiness.
2. Do try to understand that the parents criticism is not about you but about some of their inner feelings which lost during the course of years. The problem of why they are criticizing lies in you parent’s own self-contempt. They should first learn to accept and love themselves and here you go – they will become better and less criticizing.
3. They think you are their extension and do the same self check with you as well. They do not consider you as a separate person rather a part of themselves hence so critical.
4. Parent cannot always be right. They have their own say, but since you are an adult, you can also think and decide on your own. Parents still jhave the same perception about you since you are the same kids for them forever. So relax and take fun in their opinion rather than slogging and sweating out due to their viewpoint.
5. Be assertive with your parent. You are not required to be defensive and make excuses. Be polite and say “I don’t appreciate this”. This can channelize the inner content and the anger outburst is not expelled on to other non-deserving relations like your child or spouse.
6. The more time you spend with people who bring positive energy in you the more are the chances that the critical comments from your mother will fade away. Just balance the time you spend with positive people and negative people. You will be fine. This balance will bring you peace and joy.