Becca's Mild Depression

Becca's Mild Depression
By Becca
15 Years Old

hi im bec im 15 and iv been suffering from mild depression for almost three years now.

it all started in year 8 i went to a crappy school with crappy friends.
life at home wasnt much better either
my parents broke up when i was 7
because my dad is an alchaholic and dos drugs
and my mom didnt want me to grow up in an invironment that had thoughs things in it so thats understandable. but i never got to see him and when i did he was always drunk or off his face on drugs i hated it and its always been like that i hate having to homes and my parents always make me take sides
they bring me into fights and they use me as an excuse
i didnt evan no what my dad is like any more i only no the drunk bastard of a father..

my mom made me think that i had to be perfect and happy but im not perfect and im not happy i just wanted some one to tell me everything would be ok
hold me tight and let me feel safe
every one yelles at me all the time and finds fault in everything i do
i tryed so hard to be perfect but i always failed and let somboady down school stressed me out the most emotionally drained me. i saw all these people my age that were so happy and so normal it made me think of how much of a crazed nutcase i was and it scared me. i always used to act realy happy and friendly around other people
i used to put ona marsk in the mornings and pretented to be some one i wasnt.

i got intruble alot at school and didnt have anyrespct for anyone or myself i found it hard to fit in evan though i had heeps of *so caled friends* they usualy just left me out. i was constently sitting out side the princepils office.

by this stage of year 8 id begun to self harm
it was only jabbing at my fingure tips with a pin and then it progresed into grabing the sizors blade and slicing my hand open then i read somewear about razor blades so i started to use thoughs and it gradualy mooved from my fingers and hands to my wrists. i started cutting at school when ever some point in the day got to tuff id go ino the bathrooms and grab whatever i had and hak at my self

no one ever new about it.
well at least i dont think either that or they just didnt fucking care my mom didnt find out until half way through year 9. things were getting a little out of hand so i decided to go and sus the school chaplin out i wasnt going to tell him thats for sure i just wanted to feel safe i wanted to talk to someone just tell him little things about my life i kept seeing him for about three weeks until one day i rolled up my jumper not thinkg and he saw my wirsts i imediatly pulled my jummper back dwon and ran out of the room he ended up comming and puling me out of the class i was in and demanding me show him my wirsts
he told me that if i didnt tell my mother that he would so i went home and forged a letter prettending that i was my mother and explained that i had told her everything and that she apritiates his concern
the next day i gave it to him
and i thought i was ot of the woods about 2 days after i came home from school to my mother standing in the kitchen which was extreamly strange when she never finishes work until around 6:00 at night the chaplin had rung my mom and found out that i didnt tell her
so my mother found out and she was furious
because i had lied to her
she started off with "so whats this about forging letters"
of cose i replied i have no idea what your talking about"
which was then folowed by a grab of the arm and a yank of the sleev that was the last day i ever went to school she made me change because of everything that had happend my bad grades getting into truble and now this
she told me never to do it again but hell its not that easy
so i started doing it places were she wouldnt see like on my stomach but after about 3 months she saw them and took me to the doctor were he diagnosed me with depression
i then progressed to seeing a theripist
but that didnt happen for verylong because i perswaded my mom that i didnt need to see her anymore i didnt want to tell anyone anything i didint want anyone to no about myself
i didnt want anyone to think i did it for attention cutting was just another coping method i dont no why i feel so empty so lonly it was like a part of my was missing i always thought to myself why anm i doing this tomyself why am i ruining my life why cant i stop! and that just brang me more pain made me feel more usless than eva.
and so there i was having to take these stupid depression pills i stoped cutting after a while and havent don it seriously for about a year now im happy with my life at the momment but things do tend to get a little out of hand still i stoped taking my medication because i beleive i can do it with out it and so far so good but iv sliped up a couple of times not on cutting but alchahol and drug wise i overdosed on my depression pills and panadoll i took 7 of my zoloft and 5 panadol i got extreamly sik and through up but i just told my mom it was somthing i ate
i still have my ups and downs but i beleive that im now over my depression i dont have the constent fear like i used to i dont exclued my self from others and im more active and out there than eva my father has setled down on his drinking and drugs which is realy good but my parents will never get back together
i would never of gotten this far with out my mom or some of my close friends that iv had over tha past 3 years iv got a lovly group of friends now and i wouldnt be hear today if it wasnt for them either evan though they dont no what iv been through they still suport me in other ways. i hope i never have to go back to the way i was i feel so free i dont have the burden anymore its like im a new person.