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Seen a Light
By
majordepressedguy
43 Years Old
Major Depressive Disorder
Social Phobia
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
What keeps me clinging on to hope is: I know I have it in me to succeed and so does everyone else, I have just one person to relate to in my personal life, I experienced a small breakthrough in my feeling good about process, I found a excellent forum to share stries and breakthroughs!
What inspires me is: Again sites like depression-guide.com, My "inner" conscience regarding positive rational thought process, My fiance Karen, her strengthwith having (S.L.E.) Systemic Lupus Erythematosus which she has had since she was 16 and the doctors said she had 6 months, She is now 36 because of her strength not to let this disease beat her, and the silent promise to my parents to do the best that I can!
Solution's: Once I felt the first bit of change inside I want to hold on to it tight and just add, add, add, add......, the feeling of really helping someone else greatly improves my self esteem, My version of a mental plyed out senario!
What started the process of working for me:
Since I can't work because of my Disorders, I played out this senario in my head...if and when I present myself with the next social or occupational opportunity I'll think "If I don't get this job or social acceptance, I don't care, ther's always the next stop", If I think this way, the ball will stay in my hands,think of doing this and then think"what happens when we attack this situation negitivatly", What senario would make you smile?, Everytime I thought about having the upper hand, It brought a smile to my face and a good feeling in my heart!
My story; alot of depressed people share the same symptoms and the only thing that makes me different is mine is just another story, Here it is sad and true'
I've been depressed for a long-long time, I've let "bad" people consume my ability to succeed, I went to the extra effort to voice nothing but negitive unrational verbal actions, If something I did or "didn't" do bothered them I would go at them with the attitude(If you don't like me then I guess I'll make you hate me), I would not do this to a "good" person because that's not me, I quit alot of job's(some good paying) because the supervisor had a bad day and I told them "Don't take it out on me, your dealing with the wrong person for that" didn't win me no brownie points, I've been a musician and songwriter for over 10 years and what got me through this through my attitude towards people is I looked past them, over them and focused on my talent, Little to say I haven't sang for 3 years now becauce of the severity of my Disorders at this point, I don't and will not ever talk to my one brother ever again, this situation calls for "No forgiveness, for more info on this, log onto the "depression-guide.com/forum", to long of a story to write now, my mom passed away during this situation (alot of guilty feelings envolved). The only that inspires me with my "story" is that I'm still here with bits of hope that are still hopefully building.
In closing I hope that something in this post will help somebody. All my prayers!
majordepressedguy
Posted by majordepressedguy : Jan 10, 2006
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