The Slacker Perfectionist

Posted by Ophelia : Dec 4, 2011

Right now, I am 16 years old and in 11th grade. I have been in and out of social worker offices since I was 12 years old with various problems, mainly connected with self esteem and social anxiety. What I don't get is that, after 4 years of tiresome visits and going around in circles, they have diagnosed me with a major depression that in the beginning was dysthemia, its symptoms believed to be part of my finicky personality. I had tantrums, bouts of sadness and hostility, it began with me threatening suicide at the age of 12 and childishly trying to cut my wrists deep enough. My mother was often unstable, releasing all her frustrations on me when I refused to do something. I was left with a sense that everything was my fault, blaming myself for not being able to achieve what other kids my age achieved, setting my standards even higher. This led to self sacrificing, pessimism, neurotic perfectionism and self hatred.

My family had its issues as so did many other households but there were arguments that just triggered my self sacrificing for happiness, there was always some unspoken issues in our house, those sensitive subjects that tore us up silently from the inside out. When I reached high school, the perfectionism and self criticizing behavior got worse and worse. Procrastination began to set in from the simplest tasks and I was diagnosed with a learning disorder. English was a strong suite, so was history but I was and still am failing classes miserably. The teachers all say that I am intelligent and insightful, easy to carry out a conversation with but not working up to my full potential that I could be due to poor concentration, skipping classes and not handing in work. It seems that the ability to control the situation has been lost completely; the amount of stress and work that exists has become unbearable and the skill to adapt to it is practically non existent. It only took them less than 15 minutes to diagnose and confirm, while I've been struggling with it for nearly half a decade not knowing what it was.

Even in this diagnoses, I am unable to accept my limits and constantly bring myself down, unable to improve. A vicious cycle as one would call it, of self hate and misery. Unable to move on as so many of my peers have, the thoughts of suicide constantly haunt me on my bleakest days. People like me, I just don't. If it wasn't for people and the knowledge that I would hurt them deeply, I wouldn't be here typing this entry. It still hurts to live in the knowledge that I lost all my ability to function and to adapt, to simply drift. I have good friends, known as a major slacker in school and teachers are beginning to lose all hope in my abilities. My mother still claims its teenage hormones. She apologized for her mistakes all those years back and I forgave her.

There is nothing to be done about the past, it created what I am today. Spiraling out of control. I don't want to care anymore, it will probably be the death of me either way. My feelings of worthlessness has caused me to lash out, at almost everyone I ever cared about; emotions often run so rampant that at times it feels like I'm drowning and other times its sickening numbness. The urge to isolate myself, starve, deprive myself of sleep, all methods of self destruction. Some might say its selfish, to intentionally sabotage myself so that in the end everything comes out wrong. I'm tired of living, agonizingly sinking into new levels of despair that I didn't even believe could be achieved. A shell of my former self, the worst injuries were caused in frustration, an inability to cope without a sense of pain and guilt.

No one at school knows whats going on in my head, my pride stops me from even mentioning it. I smile, crack witty jokes, laugh and converse. No one has a clue. I forget about it for those blissful moments, whether it be minutes or hours but eventually descend into my personal brand of hell.

Posted by Ophelia : Dec 4, 2011

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