Audery was engaged to be married to Colin. The wedding was arranged, invitations were sent out, the church was booked. Suddenly Audery realized that she didn't loved Colin. She spent many hours in soul-searching and wondering if it mattered. She tried to tell herself that love was not essential - but she could not persuade herself. As the dreaded day drew nearer, Audery became more and more depressed.
It did not help that both her own and Colin's mother talked of nothing else. They were so excited. Audery dared once or twice to consider the consequences of calling it off but felt so sorry for the disappointment she would cause the two mothers that she did not dare. As her sense of helplessness increased, so she became uninterested in the preparations. She was unable to sleep and disinclined to eat, and she became ratty when she was with Colin. Finally her mother noticed her distress and backed Audery to tell her what was wrong.
Audery was tempted to tell her the truth, but decided against it. A few more days passed. Audery's mother begged her again to confide in her. Audery felt that she could not. This went on for some time until, finally, two days before the wedding, she couldn't face her impending future any longer. She could not cope with everyone expecting her to be radiant and happy when she felt a big empty chasm inside.
The next time her mother asked what was wrong, begged Audery to trust her and said it could be worked out whatever it was. Audery took her at her word. She said, 'I don't want to marry Colin'. And waited. She discovered that she had been right about her mother's reaction. She immediately grew frantic, muttering about what people would think, the fact that they had paid the caterers, how they would have to send back all the presents. Audery recalls watching all this with a certain detachment because she had never expected to find a way out, and now her mother had proved it. She relented and said it was only pre-wedding nerves, the of course she would marry Colin. Her mother was instantly reassured; Audery has said what she wanted to hear, and all was well.
Audery told to her Doter, how she stood in church making her vows and asking God for forgiveness because she did not mean them. Soon after the wedding she sank into a still deeper state of hopelessness that took many months in hospital to resolve. Colin later left her for another women.
Posted by Audery July 9, 2004 09:43 AM
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