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Traumatized by my husband

Posted by liz 38 YEARS OLD :12/4/10

Hi, i am liz and i am depressed.right now i don't know how to expressed my self,but one thing i do know is that i need professional help.see my life with my husband began 20 years ago i have two children with him and now they are teenagers. My husband is very macho type guy, if i knew this back then it would be a different story today.i know what all of you are you thinking, 'right" just leave the guy and everything should be all right.

I tried leaving him so many times and i always come back.last time was about 10 years ago.let me tell you how this life of mine started. I met him on a dance night,we like each other  since the beginning, that we moved in together after dating for 3 months.after that i was a living hell with him, and his verbal abuse, he would start saying that i was fat and ugly that i look like and indian or i was a look alike pocahontas.he will also call me at work to  check on me,and if i was late five minutes after work.when i got home he was like a police man, felt fear and angry, for letting him treat me this way.  So i stared to scream at him and trying to fight back. Emotional i was a disaster....years went buy and all the bad memories and verbal abuse stayed with me.i tried to forget and forgive but i thing is to late, i hate my husband. And myself for letting him ruin my life and kids.for many years i though that he was going to change, he did but for worse. He would call my co-workers to ask to be left alone that i was there only to work and not to make any friends.one day he said i was a lesbian because i would go out after work with them to have a drink.i am so tired of this, he seems that he doesn't even care how bad i feel or felt before. Just don't understand a man can be so cruel to a person.

If one thing holds me of leaving him is my kids. Because i don't want to give my kids a stepfather.i still don't know what is going to happen in my life, i feel worthless,angry, frustrated,hopeless,suicidal,i need help.why is so hard to ask for help? Today i just feel worth nothing. And for this i hate my husband so much.i wish he was dead.today something really bad happen.my daughter and i had a really bad physical fight that went pretty bad, well she is 19 years old and a little too lacy, when ask her to do some shores she gets upset because she said i ask her in a ugly way and no respect. And for this i blamed my husband and myself.she went nuts on me and pull my hair and scrashed me. I did the same thing to her.she wish i was dead,call me bitch so many times, and this is a girl that has good grades in college. And today i realize all the damage.i feel   so bad that i want to kill myself this moment.my family and i need your advise. Please help me.

Posted by liz 38 YEARS OLD :12/4/10

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