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Alcoholic
By Doug
I grew up in a alcoholic home and became alcoholic myself , I got sober in AA 24 years ago but didn't deal with family of origin issues I started drinking again twice during these 24 years and currently have 11 years . I think I drank and used drugs because I was depressed . I took Prozac Prescibed by my family physician for about 10 years and experienced relief but gave up on it . I was acting out in alotta ways and deathly afraid of being caught but could'nt stop . Its like I need to feel lousey about myself I am currently being prescibed Neurontin and Lamictal by a psychitrist for bipolar and I see a counsellour who is big on Bowen family systems . The thing now is that I se the patterns back all of my life . The diagnoses makes sence but I have this pattern of one answer after another . One cure all after another . Religion , exercise , Adult Childern meetings , Alanon , SA many counsellors , Course in Miracles , art therapy and of course drugs and alcohol . I tend to get enthusiastic and full of well beng then get all gloomy and think alot of suicide knowing full well I could'nt do that to my kids no differnt than my Dad abandoning my family for drinking , women and eventually fatal cancer . I try to tell friends in AA about my depression and struggle with spiritality and eventally I feel just misunderstood and rejected . " Get over it ! " they say , Work the steps ! " and I feel inadequate and ashamed . " Stop dwelling on the past ! " also is a standard comeback . In counselling I feel frustrated but I keep at it . I am starting to cherish my deeply felt life . I don't know what its like for anyone else who isn't depressed but I am begining to simply not disclose myself becase it hasn't helped any . I seem to seek out rejection like I felt from my absent Dad . I have hope about sharing here . My power greater than myself is the experience of others.
Posted by doug : March 1, 2005
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