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My long road to recovery


Posted by betty hardy : Aug 8, 2011

I grew up in home where it was very frightening to a child, me and my twin sister were both sexually abused by my father and his buddies. What is sad about this story is all 5 men who abused me were police officers during the day and child molesters at night. I live in the torment for 7 long years, I watched myself change from a bright intelligent child to a very morbid depressed child. I began to cut on myself at the age of 11 which was 1969. At that time self injury was not even heard of, I knew what I was doing to myself but it didn't have a name. After being abused one night I picked up a razor in my fathers bathroom, i put it to my thigh and began cutting one twice three times, as the blood was flowing out of my leg I watched it just run down my legs to the floor.This is how I began cutting,I was able to hide it for 13 years, I cut for 38 years. It was my way to deal with fear, anger, pain, sadness, hurt and rejection.I would be fine away from home, at school I was fine. Soon as it was time to go home I would go to the bathroom to cut in order to face going home. when anything went wrong in my life I turned to the only thing i knew a razor blade. 10-28-2010 I cut so bad that I has 39 stitches, it was the first time I had ever cut that bad, each time after i got to the point where I did not care if i lived or died. I went to see an old therapist for EMDR she was delighted I had come to see her, we did 9 sessions of EMDR IN 4 weeks to address the issues I was dealing with. The first few sessions we very intense, I would dread going back, I kept going back because I was determined I was going what was broken inside. I left and took a plane home and continued to cut only once in a while. I could not talk to anyone about how I felt inside, it would build up until I felt like a cooker ready to blow at any given moment. One day I knew I had to go back into therapy, I started talking and working with this therapist doing DBT and finally one day that light clicked on I was able to go through feelings and emotions staying in the moment, not getting stuck in the experience.

I live each day in the moment now, the pain I use to live with is only a memory now, it's been 10 months since I cut, oh I have urges at time but now they are far and in between. I am able to react with positive responses like writing, walking, music and good solutions to negative thoughts. I grew to realize when I have negative thoughts and hold on to them I have negative results. I wake up daily and tell myself good morning we are going to face the day with good thoughts and actions, it works if I have a negative thought I tell myself your not welcome in my life anymore and I think of something positive I can do for myself. I just spoke at a conference and shared my story, it was so healing to me to hear people say if you can go through all that and come out doing what you are today, so can I. it brought tears to my eyes when a lady asked me will you show me how to stop cutting, i said yes. I share my story in hopes that others can see, even the hopeless find hope in hearing others have and do recover self-injury and depression, so can you if your willing to do the work to achieve your goals.

Posted by betty hardy : Aug 8, 2011

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